For those of you who do not know my grandmother has been very sick for a while. She went into the hospital a few days after Elana was born. She was out for just one weekend and that was enough for us to get a nice picture of Elana and Gram. It is a picture that I will show Elana one day and tell her about Gram.
In the last week Gram has gone from doing okay to just existing. It is a horrible thing to watch and as she becomes more disorientated I can see the terror in her eyes as she is realizing what is going on. There is very little dignity in death. Our sadness is compounded by Gram's doctor who has not returned phone calls for two days. You feel totally helpless knowing that she wants and needs hospice care. Today, when I finally got a hold of the man he tried to tell me that he did not get the message. He also tried to tell me what to tell my grandmother. What a jerk...he does not even know her or care about her. He told me he has known her a while and she has anxiety...I would too if my doctor disregarded me!!! The man is a disgrace to the medical field!
I took the high road and did not get angry or upset with him. I confronted him nicely about not returning the calls and left it at that. What is the use telling someone like him about how I feel, I already know he does not care. I am sure the medical board will care more.
So Gram is resting and she still enjoys our visits. She loves seeing the baby and for a minute or two she smiles. Most of the time she just lays in her bed with her eyes closed but when they open she is happy to see us. Although today she did ask my mom why I was staying at her house. I guess since I am there a lot she thinks I am there all the time.
One of the main reasons Leaf and I moved out to Livermore was to be closer to family and to be here for Gram during this time. We knew that she was progressing pretty rapidly in the last year. I keep thinking back to last summer when Gram could walk and our last shopping trip to the mall to buy maternity clothes. She was so happy that Leaf and I were going to have a baby. She waited a long time to see Elana.
If there is one legacy Gram will leave on this Earth it is the love she had for our family. Gram loves each and everyone of us more than words can describe. I know people say that but unless you know Gram you do not truly understand what I am talking about. Gram would do literally anything to make any of our lives better. For Gram, her life for the past 20 years was her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. She was proud of the littlest things. According to Gram we were all the best at whatever we did. All of us have been lucky to have Gram in our lives so much. It always makes me sad to here about people whose grandparents live hours away...mine was about a mile.
For now I go and visit Gram each day and I think about all she has done for Leaf and I. I think about the Gramisims that will stick with us forever; even my students knew "Jesus Lover." Just recently Gram told me to do something "real pretty." I just smiled and said sure.
For those of you who do not know Gram, she can be a difficult woman to love; she is demanding, she is brash, and she has her own unique opinions but underneath all that is a woman with a big heart. I like to think that Grams best qualities are in each of us. All of us have a fiery side to us and a deep sense of what it is to be a family. Sometimes that can lead to trouble. Just recently Gram was mad at a nurse. The nurse walked by Gram's room. Gram, bracing herself on her bedside table, raised her shaky hand and pointed a finger at the lady telling my mom "I am gonna kick her ass." That, is a nutshell is Gram.
It is hard to put into words all the memories I have of my grandmother. For now her only wish is for us to pray for her....
